routine and writing.

OK so, being human's new vampire Hal controls his thirst for blood by having a strict routine. by having OCD.

i bring this up because i know i mentioned my depressive moments and times of mild eating disorder but i feel it might help to settle a couple of things.
the type of dyslexia i have is summed up here:

"Abnormal primitive and postural reflexes were found to be a significant underlying factor in this sample. The Asymmetrical Tonic Neck (ATNR) and Tonic Labyrinthine (TLR) reflexes were present in 100% of the sample. Both of these reflexes have a direct affect upon the functioning of the vestibular system (balance mechanism) and its connections to the centres which control eye movements. Other reflexes found to be significant were: The Symmetrical Tonic Neck Reflex, the Spinal Galant reflex, Palmar, Plantar and Rooting reflexes. Postural reflexes were also found to be under-developed.

*53% showed some signs of cerebellar involvement and 85% had difficulty with at least one of the tests for dysdiadochokinesia indicating poorly developed bilateral integration.*92% of the sample demonstrated difficulties with oculo-motor skills, of which:*83% had difficulty with visual tracking;*59% had difficulty with near-point convergence (necessary to fuse the two separate images seen by each eye to send a single unified image to the brain);*42% had difficulty with visual discrimination;*77% showed evidence of stimulus bound effect*98% had difficulty with hand-eye co-ordination."

as well as this the experts who saw me at an early age told my parent and i that it was often paired with "shades of other things" I've never known fully which of those percentages above i fit it, but i do know that OCD is one of the aforementioned shades. luckily it isn't crippling luckily it has actually become part of my coping mechanism. i have processes and routines which i have to stick to in my head i have to wright something at 11am, i have to have lunch between 12 and 1.

i have to count the steps i take as i walk up stairs i have to have the same cup for my tea, if i don't it doesn't feel right.

but,

this rigid routine, it means my writing gets done it means I'm forced to improve my co-ordination. it means i am constantly occupied on something other than the things that could trip me up.

it also means i was able to write an entire book in the space of a month in November. it wasn't perfect but it was a book. i have now been editing it and it is now almost at a publishable state.

i doubt i could have done it, do it. if i didn't have the compulsion to workaround my dyslexia and dyspraxia my 'TLR' if i didn't have shades of other things i would be dull i would be normal, its often the deficiencies we fight that form us, make us better people. not the strengths we boast about.

new decade new year new post

wow, ok so someone (me) got a little distracted and the next thing i know i've forgotten my blog name and my password lol
yikes,

so anyway, at a loss for something to do so updating blogg with pointless rabling and muttering.

i had the choice of chilling at home this evening or venturing out across london to go and see my sister for supper with mum, my godsister will be there as well as a couple other people including a producer of a hit scifi show. normally i would jump at the chance.

they say the way to deal with problems in to lessen their impact through talking, so the frank and honest truth is that today i am depressed. i know i sound like a drama queen but that is the crux of the matter. i am depressed, i am blue, i am low and while yes i could make myself change out of my tracky B's and go see my sister. i know for a fact that i would just end up sitting there surrounded by happy people, people who love me who would insist on asking if i was ok because i would be sittign there looking miserable.
would i like to meet the producer of smallville? hell to the yeah i would it would be a dream come true, do i want to meet them when i am looking at every sharp object in the vacinity like it is an old friend? no.

on a less morose note, i had my first driving lesson on saturday and it went pretty wel he said i was an avarage student which given it was my first time ever at the wheel of a car is pretty good. i have my next one tomorrow and aparently i will be allowed to actually drive the car forward and turn corners and stuff. awesome. i am cirtain this depression is just forthe day and will pass, in someways it is good i am feeling so down today because it get's it out of the way for the rest of the week possibly the month.

also, new years resolution is to update this more freequently

houses gardens hotels and sea

so we are building a house. its a timber house ceder cladding which will be left to fade to grey slate tiled roof. it has a semi basement, a ground floor and an open plan full height top floor.

it is on a small plot of land but sits comfortably in the space it is larger than we though but not vulgarly so. when you want through the front door there is a short flight of stairs leading up to the ground floor and a small flight of stairs leading down to the basement.

the basement has a central corridor leading down the centre from the base of the stairs at the end of it to the left is the utility room with the washing machine and dryer and a big sink. opposite is a small shower room. in front of these two there is a large store room to the right and a large bedroom/den to the left. it doesn't feel like a basement apart form the fact that only one room has windows.

as you go up to the ground floor there is another central corridor of to the left are two further bedrooms and to the right is the family bathroom with a separate loo/toilet next to the back door. to the front right of the house is the master bedroom with a door leading out onto the patio section of the garden.

as you go up tot he first floor/top floor. there are stub walls that only go up to your waist surrounding the stair well. and opposite the stair well is a glass balustraded void behind which is the small study. the study wall and wall of the kitchen are the only full height walls effectively cutting the floor into an H shape. to the left is the kitchen and dining area with doors leading out to a balcony. to the right is the living area complete with a wood burning stove and book shelves. the door to the study leads off this area.

out side the house is surrounded by the garden. it effectively is split into three areas. the top the back and the 'driveway'. the top part is behind the house and consists of a flower bed with shrubs and under planting, a gently sloping lawn with another flower bed running down the road side of the house with three trees and more flowers.

at the back of the house is a patio area with raised beds running along the back. it has four olive trees, with small perennial plants that will grow out into each other causing a swath of differing colours and whites. it also has some Jasmin like plants that will trail along the back fence.

to the front or driveway, there will be a bay hedge and a fifth olive tree.

sounds quite nice i hear you say.

well i suppose it is and that's the sad thing. we have been trying to build this house for four years and people have continued to complain. and now its finally there and they cant legally complain they choose to walk past and spit venomous words out about it. they call it a monstrosity and far to big and it annoys me because we know people down there locals who love it and everyone who is an outsider loves it and i some times wonder if people will ever get used to it.

but then something like this week happens. i went down on Monday for three days to help our gardener work on the garden and i was around the builders. and builders are known for taking loads of breaks an complaining and always finding problems but when i was there as one of the labourers in the garden i heard them. they were all laughing and singing and bouncing about because they love working on the house just as the apprentice gardener who came with Sean and Keith (the two bosses of the gardening firm) kept saying "this garden is going to be so lush when its done. and when yesterday this apprentice and i finished work we took off our muddy boots and took a look inside. he isn't a friend of the family, he only met me on Monday and he was completely unbiased but i observed him in the house. and every where he looked his sky blue eyes shone with excitement. he loved the house and even asked "when can i come stay"

and i realise. it will take time but in time everyone will realise that it is part of the land it is something new but it is solid and homely.

and i can't wait for Christmas when we will stay there! i'm so excited i may even go for a christmas swim!

things things things

so i've recently come to the realization that i an a screw up. I'm not looking for sympathy. or anyone to tell me different.

i barely made it through GCSE's i didn't want to go to sixth form but was made to i barely made it thought sixth form.

I'm 24 and unemployed my mum chose to tell me today "by the time she was 24 your sister had been working for two years and gone to university" great so now i can add being the one who didn't go to university to my list of reasons i suck.

but.

i DID make it through GCSEs with absolutely no revision i managed a C grade in science.

i got bullied. i got depressed i got eating problems. and i made it through what is for many the most difficult part of their life. i didn't go to university but its my academically advanced older siblings who have to turn to me to ask "what is the monster with a lions head goats body and snake for a tail" it is me my parents turn to and ask "what is saturn largest moon"

it is me the one who is already well on his way to messing up his life who everyone refers to as "the patient and wise one. the tougher one"

i need to sort myself out because. if when a failure i can do all i've done so far. if a failure who does no corse work can get 96% in his exams. imagine just imagine what he could do when a success.

praise.

i'm not normally one to brag. i find it crass and vulgar.

but.

recently i came across my old gap year report. where it was stated that i was "a well liked witty member of the group" and that i "showed great initiative in solving problems."

and that i was "a commanding leader, an able kayaker, who got the group on the water on time and navigated everyone safely on the water"

and it got me thinking. yes BRAGGING is vile vulgar and ghastly. but accepting praise with good grace is not.

so to avoid sounding like i was just bragging i feel it is important to point out that i am from a pretty impressive family. my granny(paternal) as a young lady had this written of her by an employer.

"i formed a high opinion of Miss Bennett's abilities, in addition to which she has an excellent personality" before going on to mention that he felt she would "fill with distinction" any role.

a trait she carried with her through all her ventures in life. in the war she was part of a female squad of drivers who supplied troops with essentials.

my other granny. raised my mother and uncle alone, she was also pretty awesome. my sister called her granny smith once and with out missing a beat she said. "i may be green and bitter but i am not an apple" for the rest of her life we all called her granny deborah.

my whole life i have been surrounded by strong women and strong men. as such i have learnt to deal and interact with males and females. i've learnt to be easy going and friendly wile still standing up for what i believe in.

it is an unavoidable fact and truth that i am awesome. i'm probably the coolest person on the planet. i've even inspired a very cool song.

that may sound like arrogance, like bragging, like i'm being self absorbed. but its important that whoever is reading this understand. when i brag. when i talk about myself i'm talking about all those who have made me. all my friends all my family. if i'm being self absorbed. i'm including them. including you.

i hope that makes scence. sorry this has been rather rambling. i felt like venting.

TLR

summer

so. 

not this last weekend but the weekend before.  i went to the isle of white with my parents. we stayed in the fantastic hotel called the northbank.  the north bank is what you want form an old hotel.  its unpretentious and knows it isn't flash. its run by an eccentric family. the father is a jolly basil faulty, the mother only will speak to you if you are regulars and even then she whispers as if she is to shy to talk out loud.  they have two sons one is rather fond of his drink and has a very scared face from an accident in his misspent youth.  the younger brother is in his 30s but looks about 10.  he is very enthusiastic and calming. 

it is no surprise then that in this hotel where there are no en suite bathrooms and old beds. people feel happy and rested. the other hotel down the street is rapidly loosing custom because it tries to hard to be a swanky hotel.  where we were, they don't give a damn about what you think of them and as a result you become very fond of them. 

one morning at breakfast the father placed our toast on the table and said "there you go, MULTIRACIAL TOAST! can't be too careful these days" and disappeared into another room. i think for the rest of our lives, brown toast and white toast will be referred to in this way. 

we saw our house. it nearing the final stages, which makes the small mistakes even worse and more significant.  from the start we have clearly stated that we wanted things to flow smoothly. so imagine how furious mum was when she discovered that no one had thought about how the different flooring would inevitably be different heights. it's the simplest things. You want a smooth transition and instead you're told "oh yeah there be a 10mm step down we'll just cap the edge" no that wont do. thats not exactly smooth is it. 

anyway. after the weekend we went to my uncles. i love his house it was the house he shared with my granny and the house my granny inherited from HER mother who was given it as a gift from a wealthy uncle. it used to be a barn and was one of the first barn conversions in the country.  i had a bit of a cold but decided to say an extra day and help my uncle with the hedges. i stayed until Tuesday afternoon.  long story short I'm only now (a week and a half later) recovering from the cold. i missed a dear friends shindig/gig/party because of it when i told her i wouldn't make it. her response was "don't worry i had a summer cold recently and it lasted forever these things do in summer." 

and that got me thinking. winter is seen as the dead part of the year where its cold and nothing save the evergreens grows. but you know what? 

in the winter my colds last two days and then I'm fine. in the cold my family and i huddle round the fire reading and talking. in winter we crunch through snow and giggle and laugh and build snowmen.  in the summer?

in the summer we are all over the place holidaying in separate places going to festivals, suffering from hay-fever or asthma. in summer my parents are told that they aren't allowed to be in their own house with out a builder or project manager present. in summer i have wasps dive bombing me fighting for my lunch. the other week someone online told me to kill myself. no doubt the twit had spent to long out in the sun got sunburnt and decided to take it out on me. 

so the summer isn't as fun as we fool ourselves into thinking. and yet. you can't help loving it. 

this has been a long rant. but i felt like ranting so i did. 

hope everyones having a nice summer :D 

argh! oh dear.

my computer got hacked. someone is apparently trying to 'steal' my 'identity'  

thats annoying.  but heres the thing. when some one steals our identity don't they just take all your accounts and use all your money? 

yeah good luck with that you jobbie's.  i have like $2 in total. and one account thats online oh wait no maybe my gym membership is run online. and THAT you are welcome to bitch.  

anyway drama over.  

I'm finally getting it into my head that i need some form of a job.  any kind of a job. I'm going to be 24 in just under a month and I'm still living at home, I'm still unemployed and. well the way things are going with the tories in power if i don't get a job soon the government will probably just chuck me in a wood chipper and bury me with the rest of the unemployed. 

oh yeah! seriously people. as bad as you think we had it when labour was in power please don't forget the RIOTS that happened when the conservatives were in power. they tore the country down and left labour to mend everything.  and for the most part the did ok. THEY didn't cause the recession others did they just didn't handle it well. it really annoys me what the conservatives are starting to do. 

right ranting is over. 

oh friends, why are friends always far better looking with less effort? thats not fair i think they should be forced to eat more. tangent i wonder if there's such a thing as plus sized male models. 

love

love to me.

is often overlooked and the word is over used.
i hear people say "i just love dogs" and i think no you dont. you like dogs but theres probably only one (your pet or a pet from the past) which you love.

love is acceptance of all the little anoying things, and there are many in every relationship be it a partner a pet or a friend.
love is refreshing.
again you hear the phrase "burning love" and "love burned brightly" but the few times i've been in love with someone. it hasn't burnt.

my love for my family and friends doesn't burn. to burn is to wither into ash.

theres 2 old scotish clan mottos that sum up love for me



"dulcius ex asperis (sweeter after dificulties)" and "luceo non uro (i shine, not burn)"

quotes.

do you ever find yourself  using quotes?  just dropping them into conversation.  

i was almost run over once as a gar tried to jump a red light. i remember slamming my fists on the bonnet and yelling in a new york accent "hey I'm WALKIN' here!" exactly how dustin hoffman does in that film.

 i remember getting cut quite badly once and the teacher was screaming and the friend who had accidentally cut me was freaking out and fussing.  

again.  i remember brushing my friend aside and saying "tis but  scratch" quoting monty python.  suddenly no one was panicking or freaking out.  we were to busy laughing. 

so again .  do you use quotes?  i know i do.  why not use witty quotes to brighten the mood and releave the tension?  next time your stuck for words. use a quote. its ok.  better than not saying anything. 

incidents and hapenings 1

ok so i know theres probably no one reading this but hello0 if you are.
i've come to realise that there are moments in my life, and i'm sure yours, which seam to come right out of a sitcom or movie. SO i've decided i have no pride and from now on when ever something random happens or embaresing. i'm going to write about it. write it down on hear for you to laugh at. hopefully.
so first entry.




The other day i was walking along the river infront of my kayaking club. when one of the very atractive kayakers who i know of but don't know waved at me and said. "hello Tom"
fine yes? thats normal. only i didn't even know he knew my name and when i say very atractive i mean VERRRRRRRRRRRRY atractive and hes a good kayaker i found myselfthinking and wanting to say
"HelloWillYouMarryMe?TeachMeHowToKayak.IWantYourBodyNoNotLikeThatMaybeLikeThatNo.IWantToLookLikeYou"
i managed not to say that but instead yelled , yes yelled, hi then ranway, literally i ran way.
oh dear, and i'm fairly cirtain he now thinks i'm whimsicle in the Brainpan.



and that ladies and gents is incident one. staytuned for my next mishap :D

middle of somewhere

there is a line in a book i like verry much called boy meets boy. i dont like it because its about gays. because its not. its about friends some of whom are gay. anyway i'm going on a tangent. theres a line. that goes somethign like "alot of people say they live in the middle of nowhere. but right now, i feel like i live inthe midle of some where"

i thought of that line today. alot of people compalin that where i liv has got too expencisive or is to devided the rich up onthe hill and in mansions the middle class in old terriced houses andthe poor in grotty greay council flats. but they are wrong. in my street alone you have the chissildjawed blond hair blue eyed american family living next door to the smileing happy black family. you have chinese resteraunt owners who are better spoken that their naighbors. you have a rehabilitation half way house next door to the young familys house. and you have them talking to each other at the gate, you have the flat where the senile old hagger witch used to live. we loved her. she was mad but harmless. she would shout at you with her fauld teeth inone hand and a kit cat in the other.

you have the resurved 60 something couple living next door to the loveing devoted gay couple.
i feel like i live inthe middle of some where. my siblings got the bus to school. their busdriver was a transvestite. he wore glamourous make up and a blonde wig but kept his mostache they were never shocked. it was just another choice to them.
theres the barbour up the road who is either rushed off his feet or sitting around not doing anything. but each time i walk past his wndow he's got something new. a sofa for customours a coffe machine, stylish chairs, a tv. but regardless of being rushed off his feet or all alone. he always smiles at me as i walk past.

you have the beger who has one possession inthe world an old guitar. he just difts about the town spreading his musicle good vibes. you have the othetr begger, or is he a hermit. who sits under the brige at the river watchign the world go by. some shun him. if i had money i'd give it to him but as it is all i can do is say hello.

my town is an urban metropolis a miniture london onthe outskirts of the city. but it is also a rural iddle. where mothers feed the ducks with their kids. and friends have a pint of beer wile cooling themselves by dipping their feet in the river.

the other month it was a rainly day and there were some school kids. 13 14? on the way home. they lost one of the boys foot ball to the river and the ladd decided to walk in after it. now else where people would have ignord them. called them ghastly little horrors or given them an asbo.

here? in my town? an old man stopped and waited to make sure they were all right. i sugested they try and move it to the side with a long bit of wodd or a stick of some kind. as towards the side ther was an eddy whitch would slow the ball down. they got thair ball back and we all jaughed about it me the old man and hte kids. they thanked us and walked away. on that cold wet windy day. i was some where i was in the middle of some where.

say what you will about me and where i live. but you could never. NEVER say it was nowhere.

august mayhem

argh!

seriously! argh! how the hell did i manage it? I'm unemployed. boo hoo and all that.

but.

unemployment means i've had all year to do stuff and i have done the odd trip into town or gone to visit siblings at their flats in london. but i haven't DONE anything. i don't like being a couch potato but i woke up the other day to the realisation that that is what i have become. how ghastly.

so

we come back to the argh. this month. starting tomorrow i sem to have a hectic month.

tomorrow i have to catch a train to wales where i will be stewarding at a jazz festival for the weekend. thing is. i have never been to where the festival is. its hard to get to. i STILL haven't managed to contact the person i'm meant to be staying with. so today i have to try extra hard. oh and he's the boyfriend of a friend who i have only met a couple of times. but hey it sounds like it's going to be awesome and killer fun.

then on monday i have to get up crack of dawn to get a bus to get a train to get a train to get a train. yes you counted correctly one bus three trains. fun huh? the reason i'm doing this is because im going to my uncles for a week he is ill. he has a problem with his skin. it causes him a great amount of pain. he has had it a year and is only just no going in for atch tests. my birthday happens this week but we are putting it off till next week end.

on the 22nd a verry close friend whose mother refers to us as her 'english cousins' and who i call my god sister is getting married so we are all rushing off to that. we are all very excited. but she is american and as such there will be rehersal dinner. my pairents have decided that my siblings and i should sing a song for her. which we do do for big occaisions. my siblings sang a song for me when i left on my gap year we sang a song for my godmthers 25th wedding anerversary. the thing i have neglected to mention is we wrtie the lyrics. i have been charged with writeing the lyrics. no pressure then lol.

then pretty much as soon as we have come down from the wedding we are off again.

sorry had to vent. all are nice things dont get me wrong. but they seam to all be happening at the same time one on top of another. and i'm feeling like i used to. and thats not good because when i used to feellike this i'd snap and run away or start on a path of selfdestruction. so i'm tryign to step back and take a deep breath.

waiting.

i'm waiting.

i'm waiting for mr right. or someone who could be.

i'm waiting to hear about a job.

i'm waiting for an email. i'm waiting for a friend to call.

i'm waiting for my time.

i'm waiting for mum to finish checking her emails, so we can go to the pool.

i'm waiting for my sister to brush her hair so we can go out.

i'm waiting for pictures of my graphic novel sample.

i'm waiting for my brother to pick an outfit so we can go out to a fancy dress birthday party.

i'm waiting for the other kayakers to catch up.

i'm waiting to catch my breath.

i'm waiting for a smile.

i'm waiting.

i'm tired of waiting.

and then i see him.

a begger nothing to wait for.
no where to go.
no where to be.
and he smiles,
a beautiful smile,
his eyes sparkle,
shine,
glimmer
twinkle
and i feel calm.

a calm of life.
i have no money for him.
i nod and smile say good morning.
those two words
simple common politeness,
cause his smile to grow.
his eyes to shine even more.

and i forget about waiting.
i just walk.
thinking about the blue eyed begger.

hullo

a friend of mine said i should set up a blog.

so i have.


i can't spell and often my mind works on a tangent so i apologise if nothing i write make scence.


i guess an introduction is called for.


i'm tom. hello! *waves*

i was born in santiago chile but was adopted at 3 weeks old by myfamily who are brits.

i'm dyslexic and dyspraxic. which means i cant write or read, and have apwaling co ordination.

so i guess it is odd that i like writeing, love reading. and the one sport i've ever done and the one sport i'm good at requires masive co-ordination and balence.

i'm the youngest of three i'm gay, i like comics, i like nature.

none of these matter though. cause i am me. its all part of me i am not part of it.




i'm a qualified horticultureist, and have worked in a botanic garden inthe arbouretum (the treeees)

i can name the araucaria araoucana but cant remember what the latin name for daisy is.

i know losts of stuff. but not alot of its useful.


i kayak 3 times a week with my local club. i've been told i have potential to do well.
i am feircely loyal to my family and friends as they have seen me through some pretty rough and dark times. nothing i do can suprise them. when i came out to my brother his reaction was
"oh ok. can i borrow that hoodie?"

i like takeing pictures and hope to try and forge a carreeerererr out of it (told you my spelling was bad) also i have recently been asked to write a sample for a comic of my creation by an artist friend who illistrates manga.
so we'll see how that goes.

this is gonna be my rants and raves and rambleing space. just thought i'd warn you.

toodle pippins.