routine and writing.

OK so, being human's new vampire Hal controls his thirst for blood by having a strict routine. by having OCD.

i bring this up because i know i mentioned my depressive moments and times of mild eating disorder but i feel it might help to settle a couple of things.
the type of dyslexia i have is summed up here:

"Abnormal primitive and postural reflexes were found to be a significant underlying factor in this sample. The Asymmetrical Tonic Neck (ATNR) and Tonic Labyrinthine (TLR) reflexes were present in 100% of the sample. Both of these reflexes have a direct affect upon the functioning of the vestibular system (balance mechanism) and its connections to the centres which control eye movements. Other reflexes found to be significant were: The Symmetrical Tonic Neck Reflex, the Spinal Galant reflex, Palmar, Plantar and Rooting reflexes. Postural reflexes were also found to be under-developed.

*53% showed some signs of cerebellar involvement and 85% had difficulty with at least one of the tests for dysdiadochokinesia indicating poorly developed bilateral integration.*92% of the sample demonstrated difficulties with oculo-motor skills, of which:*83% had difficulty with visual tracking;*59% had difficulty with near-point convergence (necessary to fuse the two separate images seen by each eye to send a single unified image to the brain);*42% had difficulty with visual discrimination;*77% showed evidence of stimulus bound effect*98% had difficulty with hand-eye co-ordination."

as well as this the experts who saw me at an early age told my parent and i that it was often paired with "shades of other things" I've never known fully which of those percentages above i fit it, but i do know that OCD is one of the aforementioned shades. luckily it isn't crippling luckily it has actually become part of my coping mechanism. i have processes and routines which i have to stick to in my head i have to wright something at 11am, i have to have lunch between 12 and 1.

i have to count the steps i take as i walk up stairs i have to have the same cup for my tea, if i don't it doesn't feel right.

but,

this rigid routine, it means my writing gets done it means I'm forced to improve my co-ordination. it means i am constantly occupied on something other than the things that could trip me up.

it also means i was able to write an entire book in the space of a month in November. it wasn't perfect but it was a book. i have now been editing it and it is now almost at a publishable state.

i doubt i could have done it, do it. if i didn't have the compulsion to workaround my dyslexia and dyspraxia my 'TLR' if i didn't have shades of other things i would be dull i would be normal, its often the deficiencies we fight that form us, make us better people. not the strengths we boast about.

new decade new year new post

wow, ok so someone (me) got a little distracted and the next thing i know i've forgotten my blog name and my password lol
yikes,

so anyway, at a loss for something to do so updating blogg with pointless rabling and muttering.

i had the choice of chilling at home this evening or venturing out across london to go and see my sister for supper with mum, my godsister will be there as well as a couple other people including a producer of a hit scifi show. normally i would jump at the chance.

they say the way to deal with problems in to lessen their impact through talking, so the frank and honest truth is that today i am depressed. i know i sound like a drama queen but that is the crux of the matter. i am depressed, i am blue, i am low and while yes i could make myself change out of my tracky B's and go see my sister. i know for a fact that i would just end up sitting there surrounded by happy people, people who love me who would insist on asking if i was ok because i would be sittign there looking miserable.
would i like to meet the producer of smallville? hell to the yeah i would it would be a dream come true, do i want to meet them when i am looking at every sharp object in the vacinity like it is an old friend? no.

on a less morose note, i had my first driving lesson on saturday and it went pretty wel he said i was an avarage student which given it was my first time ever at the wheel of a car is pretty good. i have my next one tomorrow and aparently i will be allowed to actually drive the car forward and turn corners and stuff. awesome. i am cirtain this depression is just forthe day and will pass, in someways it is good i am feeling so down today because it get's it out of the way for the rest of the week possibly the month.

also, new years resolution is to update this more freequently